Price of Consciousness

I have started reading She Who Is by Elizabeth Johnson for a second time. I am using her as my theological dialogue partner for my thesis so I thought I would brush up on some of her material. I have been wanting to do this for some time now but I think I have been unconsciously avoiding it; sitting down and reading it today reminds me why.

The first time I read this book I didn’t go back to Mass for almost a year. I was filled with so much anger and hurt. Elizabeth Johnson’s words spoke a truth that resonated in a deep part of my being, it was almost too painful to bare. I am experiencing this pain right now as I re-read her book. It is Sunday and I will not be going to Mass. The pain brings with it a deep sense of betrayal. I feel betrayed by the Church that I was taught would protect me and nurture me to my God given potential. I am beginning to wonder if the Church is even able to do this. This passage sticks out to me:

“Women have been robbed of the power of naming, of naming themselves, the word, and ultimate holy mystery, having instead to receive the names given by those who rule over them. Since language not only expresses the world but helps to shape and create it, learning to speak a language where the female is subsumed grammatically under the male gives girl children from the beginning the experience of a world where the male is the norm from which her own self deviates. “

In the Church I am one of the others. I, along with all woman, are on the outskirts of humanity with men and God in the center.  My humanity, as a woman, is not good enough, whole enough, to name God. This is not just a “politically correct” issue. Language shapes our values in society. If the female perspective is left out of common language about God, this influences the intrinsic value of women in society. This is sexism. This is a contributing factor to why women, in the Church and society, hold less leadership roles. This is a contributing factor to why more woman are raped and abused then men.

As I continue my internship at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment, I ask my clients to be aware of their feelings throughout the day. Feelings are a window into the unconscious and a window into our wants and needs. I have also been practicing being aware of my feelings throughout the day. I believe I cannot ask my clients to do anything that I have not done. These feelings are very uncomfortable for me. I feel scared of posting this blog because I do not know how it will be received. I feel more afraid of continuing to explore this issue for myself because I know there is a price to pay for consciousness, and that is change. At this time I feel so overwhelmed, not only by this issue but also for what it means for me personally.

So, I will continue to read, pray, feel and talk about these things. I have faith that this will take me somewhere beautiful.